[The Next Bit Pod Recap] The Grandparenting Deal Has Changed: Raising Grandchildren in Retirement with Braden Clark

Sugar highs, late nights, a few rules bent, and then you hand them back. That's the grandparenting deal most of us imagine. But what happens when handing them back stops being an option?

In this episode of The Next Bit, we sit down with social worker Dr Braden Clark, General Manager of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren. He explains who steps in when children can't stay with their parents, what it costs grandparents emotionally and financially, and where to turn when the love is plentiful but money, energy and answers are running short.

This is far more common than most of us realise

Braden's first message is that kinship care is not a niche issue. Around 20,000 children in New Zealand are living in whānau or kinship care, across roughly 10 to 11,000 families. Among the families Grandparents Raising Grandchildren supports, the average is 1.8 children per household. About 75% of the grandparents they work with are over 55, and some are in their 70s and 80s.

It isn't confined to families under financial pressure either. The top three reasons children come into grandparents' care are drugs and alcohol, family violence and mental health, and none of these respects income. As Braden puts it, methamphetamine is so addictive that someone can try it once and be hooked for life. Two of the organisation's volunteers are social workers who found themselves in exactly this position.

What stepping in looks like

Braden describes a spectrum. At one end is a whāngai arrangement, a customary Māori practice where whānau agree that another family member will raise a child. Further along are informal arrangements, where grandparents simply take the children in. Then there's the legal route, applying to the Family Court for a parenting order. At the far end, Oranga Tamariki becomes involved, though most children in its custody are actually placed with family.

Only about 10% of the people Grandparents Raising Grandchildren supports have had Oranga Tamariki custody. Braden's point is that when families step in, children stay out of the state care system, which matters given the Royal Commission's findings on abuse in state care.

The real costs

Retirement plans. Grandparents often reduce their hours or stop work entirely in the last years of their careers. One grandmother Braden met had dreamed of travelling to Tibet. She has accepted she won't go, and says she would do it all again in a heartbeat, because the alternative was foster care.

Legal bills. The legal aid threshold is low, and grandparents who own assets or work often don't qualify, while the parents sometimes do. In a recent survey, some grandparents reported spending up to $85,000 on court costs. A guardianship order can run roughly $5,000 to $10,000 even when uncontested, and a defended hearing can take around 18 months. Many grandparents end up representing themselves.

Relationships. Grandparents lose the fun role, and the relationship with their own child changes. Friends who are off playing golf drift away, and other family members may judge the decision. Underneath it all, many carry shame.

Your first weeks: a practical checklist

Braden was clear that he isn't a lawyer, and this is what he shared from his experience:

• Start with an honest conversation with the parents, if it's safe to. If you're worried about a child's safety, you can report a concern to Oranga Tamariki on 0508 FAMILY.

• If a child is in immediate danger, take the child with you if you safely can, and call the police. Don't put yourself in an unsafe situation.

• Contact Work and Income straight away about the Unsupported Child's Benefit (or the Orphan's Benefit if both parents have died). It isn't means tested, you don't need a court order, and payment is backdated to the day you first make contact. It's roughly $300 to $350 a week depending on the child's age.

• Order a birth certificate from Births, Deaths and Marriages if the parents won't provide one. It costs about $30.

• Keep life as normal as possible. Keep the child in school, build routines and be open and honest in a child-friendly way.

• Talk to the child's GP about continuing any existing prescriptions.

• Get legal advice early. Community law centres offer some free advice.

• If Work and Income declines your benefit, get in touch with Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, who can help request a review of the decision. As Braden notes, stepping in before the state does can ironically make it harder to show the family breakdown the benefit requires.

Parenting a child who has experienced trauma

Braden spent six years researching this for his doctorate, and says it deserves its own episode. His headline insight is that trauma affects a child's sense of safety and their ability to regulate emotions and behaviour. So the goal is to help them return to calm, through movement, rhythm, swinging, deep breathing and, his favourite, blowing bubbles together. A dysregulated child often can't blow a bubble because their breathing is so fast. By sitting alongside them and modelling slow, controlled breaths ("let's blow the biggest bubble"), you help regulate their nervous system. He calls it co-regulation, and says the key is to make it fun.

Contact with parents, and looking after the carer

Braden says children usually still love their parents, even after terrible experiences, and the grandparents may not be around forever. Contact has to be safe, and it can be supervised by a trained worker or by another family member. He believes New Zealand needs to do better at supporting safe contact.

The carer is often the most neglected person in the arrangement. His advice is to make self-care regular, like going to the gym, rather than occasional. The peer support groups help hugely: one grandmother admitted she felt she hated her grandchildren, the whole room laughed and said "we've been there", and the shame lifted.

How family and friends can help

Assume this is the biggest challenge of the grandparents' lives, and make your offer specific and regular:

• A weekly school pickup

• Taking the kids to sports practice

• Having the children for a weekend so the grandparents can rest

• A restaurant voucher, so a couple can go out and be a couple

Regular, reliable respite is worth far more than the occasional vague offer.

About Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Founded in 1999 by grandparent Diane Vivian, who started a peer support group in Birkenhead, the charitable trust was established in 2001 and turns 25 this year. It now runs around 35 support groups from Invercargill to Kaitaia, along with one-on-one advocacy and training. Support is free for members for as long as they're caring, and many come back when children reach their teenage years. Only about 10% of its funding comes from government, so the rest relies on trusts, foundations and donors.

What Braden would change in ten years

His wish list: a national conversation about child abuse, neglect and family violence; laws that mean grandparents don't carry the legal costs of keeping a child safe; and more access to respite, including holiday programmes. He'd also like to see the Care of Children Act reviewed to better support families in these situations.

The takeaway

You can adore your grandchildren and still miss the life you thought you were going to have. Both can be true. If you're parenting again, don't wait until breaking point to ask for help. And if you know a family in this situation, offer something specific that they can count on.

Listen to the full episode and find Grandparents Raising Grandchildren's details and ways to support their work in the show notes. If this made you think of someone, share it with them, and subscribe to The Next Bit for more conversations about navigating this stage of life.